When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
For the ones in the back.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.