I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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*pronounces woah like Noah*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
.. do you even science?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
*weighs self after shaving
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!