Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Is your wife single?
Admin smashed it 😂
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.