Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Finally, an explanation.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean