My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’m going to need a moment here.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Incredible customer service.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye