I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“no gods no masters” = leo
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.