The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
BETRAYAL
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.