Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.