“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
multitasking lunch
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Ion see the issue
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos