Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.