My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.