*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
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Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.