My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Every damn time
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.