toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.