I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*