How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
こいつ天才
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
This line from Airplane.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Never be a pizza!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?