Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
the worm is coming from inside the brain
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”