Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Living the best life.. 😊
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.