“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.