Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea