Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
OH. COME. ON.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
How do horror writers compete with current events?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.