They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I have never related to anyone more.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”