Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
shampoo implies shampee
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear