*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it