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[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend