I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.