I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
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My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”