FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
gentlemen, hear me out
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.