Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Swedish for common sense.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest