911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Does beer think about me too?
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you