AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS