ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
You Might Also Like
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.