Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
You Might Also Like
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer