I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet