my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
how much for the angry fruit?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
But wait…
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!