Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
live, laugh, laundry.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure