THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
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Whisper out to librarians!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.