Before & after 😅
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice