The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
the red hot silly peppers
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Mad Max: Furry Road
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude