“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.