They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
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I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
knights of the ikea table
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?