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I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Discuss
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”