When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”