[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*