Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[olive garden]
HOST: when youāre here youāre family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I canāt š
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If Iām ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume itās a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. š
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have āpent up savingsā from the pandemic like sheās never heard of Amazon.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says āread 7:49 pmā] god damnit
11yo, urgently: āMom. MOM!ā
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, āWeāve been trying to reach you about your carās extended warranty.āš„²
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, āoh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!ā
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic