What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.