I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You Might Also Like
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
nice challenge
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad