british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
đś Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty đś
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say âYouâre welcomeâ & âNo problemâ at the same time. It came out as âYour problem.â
Iâm at a legal conference called âDivorce on the Beach.â
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, âDivorce on the Beach,â and he looked me straight in the eye and said, âAwww thatâs too bad.â
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesnât have to set next to anyone.
Why soy sad?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
đ¤Łđđ¤Ł
Commenting âthis aged poorlyâ on my friendâs wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that sheâs getting divorced
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats⌔
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Of course you should follow me. Iâm funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadnâ
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My neighbour wonât stop talking about his Rolex and I canât believe someone stole it tomorrow