Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Nice try, NASA
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Only a mother’s love …
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Velcrow