Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.